Inside my head

2001-10-19T08:57:00.000Z

put up a new blog on friday morning

2001-10-15T14:39:00.000Z

lets try this again

2001-10-15T14:38:00.000Z

i am now going to test sending a post to my blog

2001-09-05T12:56:00.000Z

General Update

My blog has been rather abondoned recently, being in the car accident led to several things causing this:
1. General Tiredness / headaches / not feeling too good
2. Shoulder Injured, and too much typing causes aching
3. Hours of phone calls and so on to insurance company / garages / police / others involved . etc etc
4. Trying to look for a new car
5. Trying to get my life all in order, so if anything like this happens again it will be easier next time !

Both me and John are 90% recovered now. Stiff necks and other bruises still remain, but thats about it now. It is strange though how much something like that leads your mind to run through all the "what if" scenarios . You know it wont do you any good, and you cant change what happened, but it still seems to happen. What if we had gone over the central reservation ? What if it had been me that had hit the car in front first ? What if the car behind had hit that caravan that it narrowly missed ? What if one of us or both of us had been seriously hurt ? And so on.

On a more happy note, here are some photos of me and John (my boyfriend) night of Torture Garden, yes he really is that tall ! And no, I am not short. He is 6'8", and I am 5'8", so a foot between us, but we manage just fine.

Apart from that I have been sleeping lots, riding horse again, and getting back into being at work again after most of last week off. More good news is I am seeing my darling John tonight, and got a good weekend planned seeing an old school friend of mine and so on.

2001-08-30T10:15:00.000Z

Bank Holiday Weekend Madness

A hell a lot of stuff happened this weekend. It was one of those weekends that feel more like a month. I have just got back to work and seemingly normality after a hectic and variation of events over the past 5 days. Firstly, Torture Garden was great fun, a real eye opener in many ways. But the most significant event and the one on my mind constantly at the moment is a car accident I was involved in on Monday evening. The good news is both me and John (who was in the car with me) are amazingly and very fortunately fine, with a few minor exceptions of bumps and bruises and stiff necks. The bad news is the car is written off. So you could say, what is the big deal ? I had a car acccident, the insurance will pay up on the car, and my muscles will mend, so no long term harm done. But then you think about what it is like to be hit by a car behind going about 70mph, to then career towards the central reservation, and scrape down both the central crash barrier and the car that was in front of me, to then spin around and end up facing the wrong way with traffic piling up towards you. Fucking scary, I can tell you that. And then when I looked over and John appeared to be curled up holding his head .... I was even more scared. But I talked to him, and he replied and we both got ourselves out the car and onto the grass at the side of the motorway, and waited for the police and the ambulances and the ensuing chaos. Maybe I will write more about this later, for now I am going back to work, too much typing is making my shoulder ache again. Grrr.

2001-08-23T09:57:00.001Z

Attack of Jealousy

I am not normally a jealous person. But last night I got jealous. And I hate it when I have emotions that I cannot control, and rationally know that i shouldnt be having.

2001-08-23T09:57:00.000Z

Torture Garden: Outfit decided

Ok this is the deal: I have a kimono = japanese. It is satiny material, base colour of a turquoise blue and very flamboyant, and ankle length. Underneath this I am planning to wear gold sandals (trust me, they look better than they sound, just a thick section across top of foot), very very small gold hot pants, a diesel top that adrian gave to me which is white cotton, with chiffon and lace cut out sections on the front, so worn with no underwear you can see my nipple piercing. And then do something amazing and attempting to be oriental with my hair. I tired it out last night, and if I loop around sections of my hair then pin them up, it looks quite impressive. I will try and take pics of the final result !

2001-08-22T09:47:00.000Z

Torture Garden : Japanese Theme

I am going to Torture Garden on friday night, and there is a Japanese theme. Dress Code:
Geisha + Manga + Schoolgirl + Kimono + Kamikaze + sumb
Kendo + Ninja + Anime + Sailor Moon + Hello Kitty + Mishima
etc etc !!

Now this should inspire all sorts of possibilities, which it does, except how to be both Japanese and sexy and fetish all at the same time, especially when I have long blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair from a slight japanese figure ! Now there is an interesting challenge. Or I could just sod it and just go in straightforward rubber/leather kinky gear. Sigh, the decisions of life for a girl on a night out to Torture Garden ....

2001-08-21T22:43:00.000Z

Last thought of the day
Life sometimes feels like juggling balls, and always desperately trying not to drop a single ball, even though at times you feel like falling to the ground and letting the balls tumble around you. Every now and then it all goes really smoothly and you smile to yourself and enjoy it happening. Other times you just madly worry as to what will happen if you let one drop, or maybe even all of them and have to start all over again. Sometimes someone throws you a new ball and you just focus on that one for a while.

2001-08-21T16:58:00.000Z

Overriding thought of the day:

I miss my John. Every minute I am not with him I miss him. Is that sad ? pathetic ? romantic ? any others ? I dont know, and I dont say that for any other reason than it is true. So true it almost hurts.

2001-08-21T16:56:00.000Z

This is using WinWAP v3.0 a wml browser on PC. So now although I am using waplogger I dont have to use a poxy phone keypad. Although obviously I could have just used a standard HTML browser as per normal .... but where is the interest in that . OK, I am just having a play using all the 101 emulators that I have on my computer. And that is for work rather than just spare time hobbies before anyone thinks I am just completely 100% geekness !

2001-08-21T14:18:00.000Z

So there I was doing some testing on Sky TV and I flick back to the TV channel, which happened to be BBC News 24. And I am faced with someone I was at school with reading out the weather ! I had heard that she was now doing this, but it was still kind of strange to see someone I used to know pretty well appearing in front of me in such a completely different context. Also found out she has a profile on the BBC site. Small, small world ...

2001-08-21T13:07:00.000Z

Last blog was sent using blogger.com's latest technology called "Waplogger", enabling you to post blogs using a WAP enabled device. Now seeing as 'devices' are a main part of my job new applications such as this interest me. I am a geek, I admit it, or maybe a little bit anyway. Although if anyone else says it, woe betide them ! The actual practical usefulness of this technology is another issue though, I mean how much could anyone actually bear to write on a phone keypad ? But then maybe with a Palm or other such device where you are not having to use a phone keypad and have a more efficient method of writing out your blog. But then maybe you are travelling around and want to occasionally post blogs, and have no other way you can do it. Ok, rapidly falling into depths of geekdom and boredom now ... back to work.

2001-08-21T12:02:00.000Z

first post from mobile .!

2001-08-20T09:45:00.000Z

Have put up online photos of me dressed ready to go to the "The Sex Maniacs Ball" a few weeks ago. I will try and do a few more pages with relevant photos, or post up photos to accompany entries to make this a more interesting read for you. You may also want to see some general photos of me if you dont actually know me in person and like me are just nosey to see the person you are reading about !

2001-08-20T08:49:00.000Z

Life since last blog entry:

Lots of work. Including working till about 11pm on thursday evening, and then amazingly feeling amazingly better on fridary morning. Probably helped by copious quantities of Pizza on thursday evening at work being about the first decent thing I had had to eat for days due to painful throat and feeling shitty. So came bouncing into work on friday, also helped by the fact that I was seeing John on friday evening so obviously something to look forward to. Weekend consisted of lots of fun with John (use your imagination !), lots of vodka (as part of a drinking game called pink elephants .... dont ask !), lots of driving (about 7 or 8 hours in total I guess), lots of sleeping and generally having a good time. And now it is mondya morning and back to work and the real world. Oh and I got back home last night to get a phone call saying my horse is hopping lame .... turns out nothing too serious, just tedious and more vets bills. Guess it is all good practice for if I have children one day !

2001-08-16T08:17:00.000Z

Got Doctors appointment, and ironically felt better by the time I did at last go and see the doctor ! All well now anyway and feel on the road to recovery.

There has been a lot of fuss in the news today about our bonnie Prince Charlie and the love of his life Camilla, and it all just seems like so much fuss. If a man loves a woman, and they want to share their lives, why should anyone else have the right to try and stand in their way ? In the ITN news report it was said that:

"An press report claims that the Queen has 'grudgingly' agreed to allow Prince Charles to marry Camilla Parker Bowles. The article, in the influential Spectator magazine, claims the couple may be allowed to marry after next year's Golden Jubilee celebrations......In June, Charles and Camilla sealed their long-time relationship with their first public kiss. The kiss was heralded by royal watchers as a milestone in the relationship and underlining Charles's determination that Camilla be publicly accepted as his partner."

Click here to read full story

2001-08-15T12:45:00.000Z

today has been good and bad so far.

Bad:
- Feel worse. Am going to have to stamp my feet for doctors appointment tomorrow. and/or take time off work. ugh.
- been having problems with work too, things not working, things that people could have told me about before I spent ages trying to sort it out and could have been avoided.
- miss John. terribly. I had forgotten the down sides of being in love as well as the good sides. Feeling of longing and wanting to share everything and when you are not with that person it is like a constant distraction.
-had good intentions of getting an early night's sleep, but failed as normal. So wanting to just fall asleep on desk at the moment.
- Been beaten at table football at lunchtime. twice. grrrr. both times was winning and then lost on final "golden goal". must be this damn cold imairing my judgement.

Good
- In work before anyone else in my department, and been working hard this morning, and been reasonably productive, once I had overcome annoying problems, so feel pretty pleased with myself. Also means that I should be able to slope off early and go and ride my horse later.
- Sun is shining, always good. Especially if it is still sunny later on when I go and ride my horse. Need a good gallop on horseback in the sunshine..
- Plans coming together for next couple of weekends social life stuff, catching up with quite a few old friends and should be a few good nights out.

more stuff I am sure, but that will do for now ! have a good day all.

2001-08-14T21:38:00.000Z

I have been reading Adrian's "Thought of the Moment", and doing some thinking of my own and decided to edit my entry from earlier this evening. Or at least the part about him and what happened between us today. Until today, I have most recently been using this forum as just a form of self expression and comments on many areas of my life, and snippets of news. And then today I got angry and let myself lash out. I have a temper, I admit it and it is not something I am proud of. Adrian was hurting me and making me angry and I wanted to get back at him in some way. Other things are also hurting me and making me angry at the moment which I am not going to go into, but suffice to say I was pretty easily fired up and eager to attack. But then I am being just as childish and pathetic and all the other things I accused him of. Get a grip woman.

2001-08-14T19:28:00.000Z

been home an hour and a half from work. watched trashy tv. mooched about house and found random items left here by my boyfriend, which made me both smile at thoughts of him and make me miss him. calmed down a lot since last blog. Now trawling through other peoples logs with fascincation ! Check out Imelda's Blogs titled "Way too many Oranges", or this great designed site with blog Jish's site.

2001-08-14T17:00:00.000Z

damn right it is a shit day. started off by me waking up by me feeling rough (sore throat like you wouldnt believe, headache, earache .. blah blah) not helped by a bad nights sleep. I drag myself into work because I know we are running on important deadlines at the moment and I have a lot to get done. As well as fact that my boss would probably assume I was skiving and staying in bed with my boyfriend for the day if I did take day off sick. As well as fact I would only end up getting bored at home. So I go into work. People at work being unhelpful, causing me to waste time. Try and get a damn doctors appointment to try and discover why my throat feels like it is being attacked by knives only to be told by really snotty receptionist that my doctor only comes in on thursdays (..like I dont know this already..) and (..surprise, surprise...) this thursday is fully booked. If I like I can try and ring at 8.30am on thursday and I might get an appointment if I am really lucky and insist on being seen. Great. So now I have to book being ill 2 weeks in advance do I ? "is it urgent ?" they ask. what the f*** is that supposed to mean. No, I am not dying or I would be calling 999 and not the doctors surgery, yes, given enough time and rest my body would fight it off. But it is making my life miserable in the mean time and drugs would be good. so things dont start well.

Then things get worse. I end up having really really petty fights by e mail with adrian.......

**Have decided to edit out details of this entry. Was angry when I wrote it and having now re-read it, this is not fair. see above. [8/14/2001 10.30 PM | Lexy ]**

.....Right. hopefully that is all out of my system now. I think now the V2001 ticket and the £100 are both dealt with that I have no more ties with adrian, so no further need to contact him. Grrrrr. Humph.

2001-08-14T13:33:00.000Z

I have recently added a guestbook to accompany this page, so if anyone out there is reading this, and especially if you have any comments to make then please do go and sign my guestbook.

Thanks.

2001-08-14T12:45:00.000Z

Stupid how life can get blown so out of proportion at times. Friends come and go. Lovers come and go. Life goes on. It really is not the end of the world. Life should be about enjoying your life, looking to the future and not living in the past. We all have our ups and downs, but sometimes you need to just take a reality check on what it is that is really bothering you. I know I make myself do this at times, other times it takes something someone else says for this to happen. Either way, the bigger picture is what really matters in life, not the minor blips. And as soon as you get stuck on a minor blip and suddenly make it into the main focus of everything you loose the bigger picture and what really matters. Exactly what does "really matter" is an individual choice, but think about what does really matter to you and dont loose sight of it.

2001-08-13T09:07:00.000Z

NB the link on the left to "The Sex Maniacs Ball" is the much spoken about event where the John/Adrian incident all occurred. In case anyone is interested in taking a look and finding out some more. Very well organised event, would definitely recommend it.

2001-08-13T09:02:00.000Z

Monday Morning. 9.30am. back at work. In knowledge that my boyfriend is still in my bed less than 2 miles away. Life is so unfair at times !

2001-08-10T14:41:00.000Z

Two hour lunch break, and it was with my manager so he cant complain ! Bit of shopping, a lot of queueing in banks and shops, and McDonalds. Good way to head into the weekend I reckon !

Why is it that you can have two completely inanimate electronic devices which then become 'temperamental' about if they are going to communicate or not. One sulking and then the other, passing information happily one minute and then refusing to recognise each others existence the next. An interesting reflection of people at times !

2001-08-10T11:36:00.000Z

New Nokia 9210 to play with. yippee. Oh, did I warn you all that I am actually a geek cunningly disguised in a blonde leggy female exterior ?

New toy to play with at work for the day, good weekend planned, sun is shining, I am happy. And tonight I am seeing my gorgeous man, and I am feeling butterflies in my stomach already ! Rang him up earlier just because I wanted to talk to him, to hear his voice, to hear him sound pleased to hear from me, to hear him tell me he loves me. Pathetic really arent I !

2001-08-10T08:06:00.000Z

A rude awakening:
"The middle-aged man, who lives in his caravan by the sea, woke upside down inside his home after a neighbouring van had knocked him off his perch. A tornado picked up the neighbouring caravan, which was unoccupied at the time, and flung it effortlessly into the air. " ITN news. 10/08/2001

click here for full story

2001-08-09T20:52:00.000Z

One last reference to Adrian's ramblings, and only as a indication of agreement and then I promise to not give any more direct responsive banter to him:

Adrian wrote a lot this evening, some of which was about me, and some of that was about my recent "blogging" as he put it. I will admit that I did start this in a direct response to reading his. But not so much as a forum to directly respond to his comments about me, but more as just my own forum in general. Partly to be able to give my side of recent events with adrian, but not as a substitute to contacting him directly, instead as a means to express myself and my own feelings and thoughts. This recent episode involving adrian is as much part of my life as his, and therefore I have as much right to talk about it as him. And I hope that is what I have done, just talk about my own feelings and reactions and side of the story, and not in any way bite back at comments he has said. Like he so rightly said, this is not an open debating forum and I fully agree, it is a matter of personal freedom of speech. I am sure much as I know I shouldnt I will continue to read his daily blogs, and of course if he writes about me it will affect my thoughts and so may influence what I write on here, but I will make sure I try and seperate that and making direct responses.

The man has had more influences on me than I think he realises.

2001-08-09T16:15:00.000Z

OK, I admit this is actually fairly addictive ! Although I do type fast so these entries do not actually take as long to write as you may think . honest.

I was just re reading my last entry and received a text message and there is someone who is really inside my head at the moment that I have hardly mentioned except for in passing and I want to talk about him. It is of course John. John is the cause of the recent turn of events with adrian, and john is also the cause of a new turn of events in my life. I wasnt sure wether to talk about him on here in case adrian is reading, but then I thought that he was the one saying that the reader makes a choice to read, thats the thing about the net. And this is my forum, so surely I should be open and honest about what I feel, as he has in his ? Is that not what this is about ?

Anyway, I digress .... I just wanted to say that John is definitely now a major part of my life. He is officially my "boyfriend" and I am no longer a single woman. It does feel strange to be calling someone my boyfriend again after 7 months of being single. It also feels strange that this feels so right, and I dont feel myself running a mile like I have done recently at the mention of being someones girlfriend or any implications of that. That is not about whether I like someone or not, but more than that sometimes it just seems to click, and sometimes it doesnt. I am feeling more emotion and involvement in less than 2 weeks for John than I have felt for anyone in a long time. It is good to feel so comftable with someone again, to feel wanted and feel shiver of excitement every time you see them, every time you kiss. I always keep an open mind about the future, but at the moment I am really hoping that John will be part of that future. Time will tell.

2001-08-09T13:39:00.000Z

Excerpt from www.sevitz.com:
"Driving to work this morning tired as all fuck, some where between West Byfleet and Woking, I had this image barge its way into my head of something that happened at the ball at about 5:30am. I didn't expect this image, and wasn't really sure why I suddenly pictured this and wasn't really happy about it suddenly lodging itself in my head." Adrian. 08/09/2001

I know what this was. It was seeing me and John together. And knowing what I do now about how adrian felt about me, and how this has all affected him this must have been really tough. Both tough at the time, but in some ways even more so going round his head later too. I do wonder why he came looking when he knew what he would see though ? Why punish himself in that way ? Why do humans seem to enjoy putting ourselves through misery at times ? Wether it be watching a horror film, inflicting physical pain, roller coaster ride ... and so on. We have many "pleasure" activities that are based on fear, and more that involve putting your body through some serious tests.

2001-08-09T09:43:00.000Z

I do think that the legal system is screwed up at times, worrying about whether a burglar will get hurt if he is climbing over your fence ?! Surely the burglar should not be there in the first place, and therefore if he gets hurt its their own fault !

"A man who put a mixture of barbed and razor wire on top of the fence round his 93-year-old mother's home - to protect her from intruders - has been ordered to take it down. Northampton Borough Council said it was a danger to the public. Burt Barber, 61, of Northampton, spent £450 on the wire after his mother Ruby suffered four break-ins at her sheltered accommodation in Ryehill." ITN News. 09/08/2001

Click here for full story

2001-08-09T08:38:00.000Z

As some of you may or may not know over the last 2 weeks my friend Adrian, has been writing rather a lot about me, or to be fair rather a lot about how I have made him feel in his blogs on his site. This has evoked very mixed reactions in me, and is an interesting situation. He had told me that after certain incidents that occured he wanted space from me, to get his head around it and sort himself out. Now I can understand this, and was trying hard to respect it, but when every day I am seeing what he has written about me that makes it very hard. I know, I know I should have just stopped reading his diaries and left him alone. But the thing is you see, and this is what most of his friends dont seem to realise, I care about him and I worry about him. At least by reading what he was feeling I felt I was in some way reaching out to him. But then I had the dilemma of what did I do when I didnt like what I read, and wanted to respond ? First I called, and ensued long conversations which didnt really acheive anything. Then I realised I wanted to reach out to him, but also to the others reading his diaries in some way, so I entered an entry in his guestbook. Now this caused more trouble, which I never intended. A fair few personal insults to me which were definitely un called for, and more upset to me and adrian.

The saddest thing out of all this is that I have lost a good friend because of a few error of judgements due to getting carried away . Partly influenced by drink, a little of other things, and the whole atmosphere and enviroment that we were in, but at the end of the day I knew what I was doing and should have been more considerate, and take full responsibility for that. But then dont we all make mistakes at times ? Can anyone put their hand on their heart and say they have never treated another person badly , whether maliciously or not ? So as I was saying, I have lost a friend, an intelligent, caring, great fun friend. But I will always have good memories of time we had together, and I hope he will too.

2001-08-07T22:26:00.000Z

Inside my head is a scary place I shall warn you now, reader. Inside my head combined with the scariness of the internet itself is getting pretty dangerous, but I am going to give it a go.

Interestingly enough this was inspired by the very same thing almost disgusting me in the way someone laid themselves and in the process part of me bare and open to all who were reading his own blog posts. Maybe it is a case of if you cant beat em, join em. I am still not quite sure. Or maybe I am trying to understand the psychology of this type of form of self expression. I am still working on that one.

For now, I shall introduce myself to you the reader, and then sign out. Bare Essentials:
Name: Lexy
DofB: 17th september 1976 (so soon to be 25 yrs)
Physical: 5'8", blonde, blue eyes, tattoos and piercings.
Nationality: English

Thats me for now.

Take Care all, Lexy.